Why does everything have to change?
Why do you have to be this way?
Can't you see I'm hurting?
Can't you see I'm here?
I'm done trying to help. My stepdad told me today to "ask before you pick the baby up." WTF! For three months excluding the first 3 weeks of her life, I never asked. When they needed me to hold her I did, when I wanted to hold her I did. Now all of the fucking sudden I have to ask?!? Please. Don't humor me. I think I had enough excitement for the day. I just don't get it, and then my mom fucking goes, "Don't take everything so personally." How am I not supposed to take it personally? It's directed towards me! And only me! We have my aunts or grandmother over, "Here you wanna hold her?" But no, I have to fucking go, "Tom/Mom can I hold her?" Well they just screwed themselves because they NO LONGER have my help. You need my help cleaning sure, you want me to make a bottle or feed her, NO! If I can't hold her when I want to then I'm not going to hold her when you want me to! That makes no fucking sense and I'm not going to fucking sit around and be bullied by my own fucking parents. There is no reason what so ever that I can't hold her. Her head has never hit the ground, her body has never fallen from my arms, and now all of the sudden I have to ask? NO! I don't fucking work like that. I'm not a toy that you use when you want to and put back into the corner when you're done. Okay! I am not a toy! You can't use me!
Another thing, when I fucking tell you everything that I've bottled up for years, that not even my best friend knows, you don't hold me close and tell me everything is going to be okay and the next day fucking ignore what happened. Yes mom, I'm feeling alone! And yes mom! I do need a mom like figure in my life, but you are not who I thought you are. For months I told you that these things were going to happen, and for months you told me everything would be the same. But you know what, I was fucking right. And you know what, she doesn't even care. She has no clue that I'm feeling like this, because I am not going to open myself up again to a heartless bitch. I made that mistake, I felt that weight get lifted off my shoulders. Only to come back two times heavier, and two times harder to work through. I am not to be tossed aside like yesterday's news. You promised me I wouldn't. But once again I was right. And once again you weren't there.
There was absolutely no reason for you to read this entry. I am extreamly pissed off and I am taking my frustrations out on blogger.com how healthy! Not.
XOXO
Addo
Why do you have to be this way?
Can't you see I'm hurting?
Can't you see I'm here?
I'm done trying to help. My stepdad told me today to "ask before you pick the baby up." WTF! For three months excluding the first 3 weeks of her life, I never asked. When they needed me to hold her I did, when I wanted to hold her I did. Now all of the fucking sudden I have to ask?!? Please. Don't humor me. I think I had enough excitement for the day. I just don't get it, and then my mom fucking goes, "Don't take everything so personally." How am I not supposed to take it personally? It's directed towards me! And only me! We have my aunts or grandmother over, "Here you wanna hold her?" But no, I have to fucking go, "Tom/Mom can I hold her?" Well they just screwed themselves because they NO LONGER have my help. You need my help cleaning sure, you want me to make a bottle or feed her, NO! If I can't hold her when I want to then I'm not going to hold her when you want me to! That makes no fucking sense and I'm not going to fucking sit around and be bullied by my own fucking parents. There is no reason what so ever that I can't hold her. Her head has never hit the ground, her body has never fallen from my arms, and now all of the sudden I have to ask? NO! I don't fucking work like that. I'm not a toy that you use when you want to and put back into the corner when you're done. Okay! I am not a toy! You can't use me!
Another thing, when I fucking tell you everything that I've bottled up for years, that not even my best friend knows, you don't hold me close and tell me everything is going to be okay and the next day fucking ignore what happened. Yes mom, I'm feeling alone! And yes mom! I do need a mom like figure in my life, but you are not who I thought you are. For months I told you that these things were going to happen, and for months you told me everything would be the same. But you know what, I was fucking right. And you know what, she doesn't even care. She has no clue that I'm feeling like this, because I am not going to open myself up again to a heartless bitch. I made that mistake, I felt that weight get lifted off my shoulders. Only to come back two times heavier, and two times harder to work through. I am not to be tossed aside like yesterday's news. You promised me I wouldn't. But once again I was right. And once again you weren't there.
There was absolutely no reason for you to read this entry. I am extreamly pissed off and I am taking my frustrations out on blogger.com how healthy! Not.
XOXO
Addo
