You Know She's Right

Aimez, you are right. Nothing will ever be the same. But you know what, that's the beauty of it. The way Fazp and Vrai are going to Tech, and Aimez is going to Sea,we are all splitting up. But why are we so damn sad about it? Its going to bring millions of new doors to be opened and explored. From spending nights out at parties, (HAHA Aimez, imagine a nun crashing a wild party? LMAO) to spending nights alone nursing that broken heart. It is nothing to be scared of. At least I don't think so. For the first time since I found out I was going to Tot, I actually feel ready. I'm ready for whatever anyone is going to throw at me. I'm ready for whatever you want to give me to deal with. You know, from now on I'm not going to crack under the pressure. And I'm NOT going to feel disappointment. My life has and will always be a rock. That rock can't break. And I'm offically ready for it.

XOXO
Addo

WHY!

Why does everything have to change?
Why do you have to be this way?
Can't you see I'm hurting?
Can't you see I'm here?

I'm done trying to help. My stepdad told me today to "ask before you pick the baby up." WTF! For three months excluding the first 3 weeks of her life, I never asked. When they needed me to hold her I did, when I wanted to hold her I did. Now all of the fucking sudden I have to ask?!? Please. Don't humor me. I think I had enough excitement for the day. I just don't get it, and then my mom fucking goes, "Don't take everything so personally." How am I not supposed to take it personally? It's directed towards me! And only me! We have my aunts or grandmother over, "Here you wanna hold her?" But no, I have to fucking go, "Tom/Mom can I hold her?" Well they just screwed themselves because they NO LONGER have my help. You need my help cleaning sure, you want me to make a bottle or feed her, NO! If I can't hold her when I want to then I'm not going to hold her when you want me to! That makes no fucking sense and I'm not going to fucking sit around and be bullied by my own fucking parents. There is no reason what so ever that I can't hold her. Her head has never hit the ground, her body has never fallen from my arms, and now all of the sudden I have to ask? NO! I don't fucking work like that. I'm not a toy that you use when you want to and put back into the corner when you're done. Okay! I am not a toy! You can't use me!

Another thing, when I fucking tell you everything that I've bottled up for years, that not even my best friend knows, you don't hold me close and tell me everything is going to be okay and the next day fucking ignore what happened. Yes mom, I'm feeling alone! And yes mom! I do need a mom like figure in my life, but you are not who I thought you are. For months I told you that these things were going to happen, and for months you told me everything would be the same. But you know what, I was fucking right. And you know what, she doesn't even care. She has no clue that I'm feeling like this, because I am not going to open myself up again to a heartless bitch. I made that mistake, I felt that weight get lifted off my shoulders. Only to come back two times heavier, and two times harder to work through. I am not to be tossed aside like yesterday's news. You promised me I wouldn't. But once again I was right. And once again you weren't there.

There was absolutely no reason for you to read this entry. I am extreamly pissed off and I am taking my frustrations out on blogger.com how healthy! Not.

XOXO
Addo

This Will be My Last Post

Only for a little while. I'm going on vacation for my Spring Break with the family. So I'm not going to bore you with all the little details. And Fazp I want to see a picture of the magenta colored hair.

XOXO
Addo

30 Days

I'm giving myself 30 days to move past my past
30 days to get over myself
30 days to get a grip on reality and not have my head in the clouds
30 days to move on from any broken heart
30 DAYS TO GET RID OF MY PAST

sorry I'm in a depressing mood

XOXO
Addo

I Can't Even See Straight Anymore

I am past the state of over tired, and now am a happy bubbly person.

You Don't Know What You Got 'Til it's gone....

Imagine, you're sitting at a lunch table waiting for class to begin. Its the first day of kindergarten and you're sitting there alone, crying for your mom. When you meet your best friend. No he's a guy. And he starts talking to you, and you feel better.
Or imagine, You're sitting with that same guy, four years later, and your friend makes you laugh so hard Hi-c comes shooting out your nose and all over him.
Or imagine, the last time you see him, you're at a wedding sitting side by side, watching your teacher get married. And you can't help but think, will he be my husband?
I guess you could say I have feelings for that guy but that guy is long gone. And no, he's not dead, he moved ONE THOUSAND miles away. Before you could even get his cell phone number. Go figure right. And then, in not even a week you're going to that state, and your own father won't let you see him. No matter how much you want to.
This feeling needs to go away. Like, NOW. You can say I'm a little obsessed. And starting tomorrow there are so many changes that are going into effect. I figured I'd post this while I'm still allowing myself to think about him. All of my earliest memories of school, include him, his sister, (whose little name is Sarah, just like me) or his parents. They were so sweet. They are so sweet. God I miss him. The last time I saw him was like two years ago, and I haven't been able to forget about him. It feels like, he's just disappearing from my memory, and I don't want that. You know that feeling when you find that one guy who can make you smile on your crappiest day, that was him to me. But now he's gone and I REALLY need to move on. I never would have guessed that moving on, would be so god damned hard. And now pathetic me, just took up about three minutes of your time to tell you about a guy I am NEVER going to see again. :( God I hate that I let him get to me like this. And starting tomorrow, I will not think about him. But do me a favor, if you know his name, don't mention it. Thanks!

I'm giving up trying to be that perfect daughter my parents have always imagined. I'm done trying to cover the real me. And Hell, I'm fucking done with trying to make things work. If they don't work now, they never will. So if you know what I'm talking about, or who I'm talking about, this is to let you all know, Addo is done. I have wiped my hands clean of any past drama, of any past emotions, and also, of any past friendships. If a friendship didn't make it to your present, then there's a reason it didn't last. So Alexis, I give up trying to patch our friendship.

XOXO
Addo

Is it Possible to Feel This Low?

I'm not even sure what to think anymore. How many times have I said that? Oh I don't know maybe ten, twenty? At the Student-Faculty basketball game (which was fixed) I had a minor breakdown. I've just been feeling so alone, and moody. And with the free time and an open track, I just took off running. Running as I said a week or so ago helps me. But it lets me over-analyze everything so it doesn't really help. But whatever. I really think that if everything that I've been feeling, continues to happen I will hit rock bottom. But who cares what I think, my what two possibly three followers?
Well, I'll write more when I get home, stupid bell is going to ring.

XOXO
Addo