Cause There Were Christmases When You Were Mine

It's been over a month since my last post, I'm sorry. Things happen and my laptop is like really really stupid. Idk what to really say on here anymore. So much has changed since last year, since last christmas. Everything was different, and as I was talking to my friend last night I realized something. Life isn't like a rollercoaster, because thats only ups and downs. Its more like an ocean, constantly moving. Being pulled towards the shore only to be pushed away hours later. You can never truly tell how deep the water your swimming in is, sometimes its shallow, others its miles deep. And eventually you just have to let go, and drown.
I've been feeling so lost lately, just kind of fluttering around, hopelessly. I have no clue as to where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do, there really isn't anywhere that I belong. But what does that mean? Does it mean that I'm just an outsider? Or is there some sort of meaning that I am going to find out later on in this lifetime?

I watched Vanilla Sky for the first time yesterday. It was such a weird movie, but I loved it. Wouldn't that be incredible to just dream your life the way you wanted it to be? And then after it started to become a nightmare, you could just wake up. But imagine the thougths racing through your head after you woke up, and then realizing that its 100s of years later and everyone and everything you once loved is gone. Dead, buried, and you werent even around to witness it. I don't think I'd ever have the will power to do that, I'm not a big fan of change. :P

I don't know when I'll post again, this is sorta like a refresh button for me. Somewhere that I can document my thoughts and maybe someone in the future will see them.

XOXO
Sarah

Fazed

It just came to me that I haven't written a blog in over three months. And to be honest I don't know why I'm writing one now. I'm not the same person that I was six months ago, wanting to talk about my problems to anyone who would listen. I guess I've finally realized that nobody cares. And I'm not trying to be dramatic! you're best friends say they care but to be honest, they don't give a damn. And your parents are more concerned about how their raising you that they forget that you might actually need help every now and then.
So anyway because I haven't written in a while I guess I'll just write about what I haven't. Camp was a blast and the most miserable time of my life, Sophia is crawling and standing up on her own (she's so big now I just wanna shrink her), my stepdad is the same as always, and I'm in high school now. I'm now a real high school freshman. no more pretending over the summer that we know what its like. It's all new, all un-discovered. A billion doors just waiting to be opened and then slammed again. But hey, that's life. Friends come and go, I cannot even begin to say how many friends I've lost since the beginning of this transition. But we're all still breathing. I guess it is okay to have and then lose it then to never have any at all.
It seems like the world is full of pretenders. Fake people who claim to love something but they don't really mean it. Like wanna be rockers, they think they know everything about it just because they heard it on the radio. There is more to life than you see on the surface. You know what? I'm sick of judge mental people too. All they do is take one look at you and you are classified, labeled and un-wanted. Who are they to say who you are or what you're like? The only people to me that come close to it are people you've known your entire life and even then they don't know you in and out. There is always the monster in the closet. The one that only comes out when you are feeling completely and truly alone. There is always something, somebody. So even if you don't realize it, its there.
Another thing before the bell rings and I once again have to communicate with another batch of people. Guys are so stupid and naive. They think they know everything about you and everything about women, news flash they don't know anything. People don't like to be called "girl" or "boy" just because you don't know their name. Get up walk across the room and find out! And if you female friend is being grouchy, give her a break, she is probably just having a bad day or she is on her period, or she has something bigger on her mind. So before you judge on just one mistake, think about the bigger picture. Think about what else could possibly be bothering her.

XOXO
Addo

So You Tried To Be Honest, But You Honestly Blew It This Time, You Should Have Lied

So I'm leaving for sleep away camp on Sunday. And I'm scared. I'm not scared about being away, hell, maybe I even need it, I'm scared that he won't be here when I get back. He works in such a crummy neighborhood that he could be murdered and nobody would ever notice. And I know that he exaggerates but one day he is going to come across the wrong person and that person isn't going to care that he has a wife and kids at home, he's only going to care about taking his life. And I want to be able to wake up in the morning and know he is still around. I can't lose him, I really can't. I mean I love him, he's my family. And I really would be lost without him.

XOXO
Addo

As I Paced Back and Forth all This Time, 'Cause I Honestly Believed In You

I really don't understand him sometimes. First he's all I miss you, let's hang out and then he's all no I don't wanna hang out with you! WTF!?! I'm fucking sick and tired of people bull shitting me! Okay, so if you don't want me around then fine. But don't lie to me about having a girlfriend, then lie to me about wanting to hang out with me, then lie to be about who you really are! I can't believe I fell for your lies over and over. I'm done, I'm over it.

And I'm Screaming Into the Dark, Searching For an Answer, Where Do I Go From Here

So I haven't posted in a really, really, really long time. Almost a month, so yeah time to update. Some guy on youtube called me a faggot. I mean seriously, a) im a girl b) im like boy crazy. So i sent him a nice little message. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn. Sorry had to put that in there. Anywayyyyyy, I've been feeling lighter, happier ever since school ended. Maybe I'm just happy that I'm not around fake bitches all the time, but hey, thats only a possibility. So earlier today I was looking on youtube and came across the song notice me from pixel perfect. I love that movie. But in some ways its like really cliche. And I don't like things too much that are cliche, but hey! Its a movie right? And just once I want to see a movie where its like really sad and depressing because the guy and girl dont end up together. I guess thats why I always want to write stuff like that. Or maybe its just a life experience IDK! So I went on a whirling rampage the other day and deleted everything off my phone. Including my phone numbers. I mean come on how stupid is that. So now whenever someone calls me because every body is considered unknown, the song miss invisible by Marie Digby <3.>I took a trip to the year 300o, this song has gone multi-platinum! I remember sitting in my cousin's bedroom singing along with the song, and now Kevin is getting married, Joe is an asshole, and Nick is still my favorite. :p. Oh my boys are growing up, lmao. Okay but seriously, I'm so proud of Kevin you know? Going against all of the rumors that he is gay ( which he isn't!) and proposing! I wish them the best of luck. I've heard things like you can't be a paramore fan and a JB fan, well guess what I am! So shut up and put your money where your mouth is that's what you get for waking up in Vegas!!!!!

XOXO

Addo

P.S. Sorry for going on and on about JB, just haven't thought about them in a while.

The Memory I wish I'd Forget is Goodbye

In a response to Aimez's blog, I am crying. I can't even put into words how that upset me. I'm really not ready to graduate in oh idk five days. More the less leave 75 in 7.
See the picture? That's my new fave of the baby. Its just so sweet

XOXO
Addo

I'm Terrified

Nine years ago, you were able to walk up to your parents and cry about how scared you were about started kindergarten. Then the next day when they would drop you off, you'd hold on to their legs for dear life because you thought no one would like you. If you did the same thing today, people would probably stare and laugh.
We're supposed to be "older" and "mature". But I'm still that little girl who is mortified of the thought of going to a new school, more the less high school. My last day is June 26th, which is in 11 days. As I sit here and type this, I'm seriously wondering where did the past 169 days go! September 2nd, we all started our journey as 8th graders. Actually looking forward to June, the Banquet, 6 Flags, and Graduation. What we didn't expect was the fact that we have to leave our home of three years. In September, you're dragging your feet on that first day. You don't wanna be there. And now that its over, its like, "Fuck! How could I waste so much time!"
Instead of welcoming Paulo that first year, I wanted to run. Run as fast as I could away from the school. I felt so lost in the school, no friends, no clue on where to go. And now I'm like how could I have even wanted that. Its funny what time can do. The time flew by so quickly, I'm like wait, wasn't yesterday November? Weren't we just taking our quarterlies? But hey nothing lasts forever right? Everything has to come to an end, whether we like it or not.

I LOVE YOU 804! CLASS OF 2009!

XOXO
Addo

Can you feel it now? These walls That they put up To hold us back Will fall down

So, today I saw my good friends from Florida. I missed them alot. Wish they didnt move. :(

I took a chance,
I took a shot
And you might think I'm bulletproof,
But I'm not

You took a swing,
I took it hard
And down here from the ground I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why

You could write a book on how to ruin someones perfect day
Well I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me,
Then push me around
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why

Why? do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside
Why? do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me and cut me down

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why,
Why,
Tell me why
Why

I take a step back,
And let you go
I told you
I'm not bulletproof,
Now you know


Awesome song by Taylor Swift called Tell Me Why

XOXO
Addo

Music Starts Playin' Like the End of a Sad Movie It's the Kindo of the Ending You Don't Want to See

'Cause its a tragedy it'll only bring you down,
Now I don't know what to be without you around.

Holy crap that's a really good song. Its called Breathe by Taylor Swift. Not really the best of days today, that urge that I never told you about came back. And to be honest, I wanted to do it, hell I even did. Now I just have to hide it from my mom, :(.

Okay, feeling like crap is a normalcy of mine, and sometimes its just like I wanna take a drug and overdose. Just so I can possibly kill myself. And no I'm not suicidal. Although sometimes I wish I was. My mom came home a total bitch today. Nothing new there. She sounded so nice on the phone. IDK what happened.

Do you think if I just one day "disappeared" people would even notice I was gone? Would the writing that I had completed be published? Would there be a funeral? Would my little sister even know I existed? How much would I be missed? (That's an easy one to answer, not much by friends, a lot by family.) But you know if I were a ghost I would want to see my funeral, because I would want to know who would show up and who would cry. Would any of my friends come? Or would I just fade away into a world of oblivion?

I've been seriously questioning the sincerity of some of my friends. To be honest I think all of them are pretenders and that they all just keep me around because I can keep my mouth shut, (most of the time at least).

And just for the record I hate it when someone tells me to go inside just because they're mad at me. Just thought you should know.

XOXO
Addo

Second chances, They Don't Ever Matter, People Never Change

Once a whore you're nothing more sorry that will never change. I love that song. I mean, its yesterday's news but still, I love that song. And I don't mean yesterday's news like they aren't popular anymore, but that song isn't heard on the radio anymore, or its not that popular anymore. Okay, that's still coming out wrong.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better than I did yesterday. I mean I still think that people hear the name, Sarah Alexa McCrea, and go "huh?" But whatever. So yeah, it stopped raining finally, and in about an hour I'll be out of this hell hole. But hey, getting to blog during school, that's always fun.

Okay, so yeah, I'm taking an regent in like a week. And yes, I'm ready. I took a practice one and got a 97, took another one and got a 72. But I only got the seventy two because I was rocking back and fourth crying in pain and I went home early. Nice right?

The gloomy weather has definately matched my mood lately. I've been feeling really down and depressed, so the gray skies and the rain sorta feel right. You know? And for the record I don't care who reads this blog anymore because quite frankly I think its getting a little too personal. I gotta work on that. I mean, for all I know there could be a stalker who subscribed to me and now he/she knows all of my inner most secrets. Okay thats a lie. Not a soul on this Earth knows more than 25% of my innermost secrets. So yeah, nobody truly knows me.

Do you ever get that feeling that everything is going at too fast a pace? Like its all flying by, and you can't seem to find that place? And if you do, I was just wondering. It feels like yesterday that I was crying because I hated this school, and now I'm crying because I have to leave. Time really does change everything doesn't it?

I think I'm finally over him. He's just that childhood crush that I'm going to look back on and wonder how I spent so much time falling in love with my best friend. Typical right? But yeah he moved. And now I think I finally realized that he was only a friend, and that he probably doesn't remember me. :(

XOXO

Addo

About to Lose My Mind

Just fucking go away right now. Do not read this post. It is only going to be about me ranting about my pathetic problems so why care right? Nobody gives a damn whether I live or die.So why even bother right? I'm just one life wasted, nothing new there right? I just wish somebody fucking understood what I'm trying to say. I need help. Sorry I wasn't around to help two days ago, but seriously, I'm asking you to help me because I'm about to pass out and I have to lug shit up the stairs. I mean come on. I know I sound like a conceited lazy ass bitch, and you're probably right. But when I'm making 15 flights up and down the stairs and you're sitting on the computer, that doesn't sound quite right to me. Sorry.
Oh yeah and another thing, when I fucking walk away from you, do me a favor, don't fucking follow me from room to room because I don't want to be near you. I have taken in enough shit, from people pretending to be my friend, to people backstabbing me, to people telling me "I'm over dramatic. Just do me a favor go fuck yourselves. I've had enough of your bullshit. If you don't like me tell me straight out. Don't pretend to be my friend for months and then one day just completely turn on me. Honestly, I'd rather have that instead of being lied to for I don't know, nine months. I mean seriously. Grow up.
Another thing, I hate it when people think they can use me. Take it like this, I'm not your fucking dog, do it yourself, 'kay? And isn't it funny how right after I give somebody a gift, they turn on me. I mean seriously. There's a fine line between friendship and using someone. And sorry, I couldn't be your friend because I am myself. Sorry, but in all honesty, all of those people who have or continue to do that me, seriously have problems. I'm not going to change for somebody who can't accept me for me. Trust me that will NEVER happen. Kay?

XOXO
Addo

He'd Never Tell You, But He Can Play Guitar

Hello, hiya, hi, hey, hola, ciao, buon giorno, buona notte, how many different ways can you say hello! Seriously, its like I say "Hi" you say "Hey." It gets really, really, really annoying after awhile. I really don't want to sit in a classroom and learn about how volcanoes are formed, or how to pick a fucking mushroom! Thank you Mr. Perrone. I didn't know that you can die from a common cold. Thanks for being so stupid and wasting 120 minutes of my life every fucking week! You think I care! You think the whole class cares! News flash, they don't.

Sorry about that! Mr. Perrone is just so fucking stupid. :) So yeah, the Sims 3 came out today, and after I get out of this hell hole called school I'm off to the mall to buy it! And if they don't have it I'm going to be one pissed off cookie, k? How many times in my life is somebody going to say okay? From the second I'm born to the second I am dead, how many times have the word okay come out of somebody's mouth.

Rules:

1. Number cube

2. Spinner

3. Standard deck of cards; 52 cards. 4 suits, club, diamond, heart, spade; 13 cards of each suit 4 cards of each 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10; Picture card: Jack, Queen, King

4. Probability: P=number of events/total possible outcomes

5. Probability of certainity:1 Probability of impossibility: 0

That would be a standard amount of rules for math, pretty simple right? Right? I have no clue why I even did that, probably out of pure boredom. But whatever.

So I'm getting pretty sick and tired of people. I actually want to be dropped off a boat into the Pacific and have to swim to an island. And there I will meet a tribe of people and will kill them all. How nice! But I'll leave the newborn infant alive. And I'll care for it. And I'll be the perfect mommy. Not. Not in 100, 1000, 1000000, 10000000, 100000000, 1000000000, years. But maybe in 1000000001 years. LMAO!

Today is June 2nd, 2009. On June 3rd, 2009 we have Senior Awards. On June 4th, 2009 we have banquet. On June 24th, 2009 we have Graduation. On June 26th, 2009, we are offically High School Freshman. You see I got bored after the state test today, so I wrote a graduation speech. I'm not even talking at graduation. How stupid am I?

XOXO

Addo

SO!!!

OMG! Not taking the Intergrated Alegbra Regents was one of my best ideas yet! Instead of falling asleep in front of an evil Chinese teacher, I'm sitting in the air conditioned library, talking to Christine, Elena, and Joe. Could this get any better? I think not. :) So my birthday was on Monday, and it was fun. The family came over, yada yada yada. Six flags is tomorrow!!! Banquet is in a week!!!! Graduation is in 27 days!!! Last day of school is in 29 days!!! So yeah, a lot is coming up this month. I'm actually looking foward now to the end of school, I guess because its so close. I mean come on, THE END OF SCHOOL IS COMING!!! You don't see children running to the other side of the Earth though, do you? I think not!! Its like all the joyous orphaned African children are praising Joyous Queen Gab. You know what she did? Do ya, do ya do ya? She spread the joy!!! LMAO!!!! Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, as you can see I'm kinda hyper/happy/excited. But what can I say? I'm allowed to be happy god damn it. I'm sick and tired of my family coming down on me because I don't believe in God. I mean seriously, I don't think you should have to pray to a person/force/thing whatever you think he is, because you're responsible for you. Not the other way around. You want to be happy, go find happiness. You don't want to be alone, go buy a puppy. Just get off my back for me figuring out what everyone else who doesn't believe already found out. You know what, yeah if my husband wants me to get married in a church and we'll have it in a fucking church. I don't care whether or not my dad wants me to believe! It's my ficking life! Get the fuck over it and leave me the hell out of it. Somebody is getting married, I'll wait outside. Sorry, but according to my dad, I won't be allowed in. Like I give a shit. Seriously! Everyone needs to get off my back and just stay the hell out of my way!!!! Sorry about that, I'm ranting again, I'll stop, right about now. The rain better not come tomorrow! If it does I'm going to be beyond pissed. Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Do you know what I think we should do? Do you know what I think we should do? Seriously, do you!!! I finished, "My Sister's Keeper" yesterday. Made me cry for an hour. I mean seriously after all of the things Anna went through to get medical emancipation from her parents, she gets in a car crash and Kate still gets the organ, and Anna still dies! I wanted to throw the book at the wall and rip it in half. That author deserves to die. I mean come on, she killed Anna!!! Kate wanted to die! Not Anna. Anna was only born to save Kate, and I guess once she did what she had to do, she died. I was yelling at my mom for letting me read such an amazing yet horrible book. She was only 13!!! 13 is not the age to die!!! But whatever, everyone says its just a book. But sometimes it feels like it can happen right then right now. You know? Like tomorrow I can go to the hospital and get diagnosed with Leukmia. But chances are I won't. Sometimes I just want to know what it feels like, you know? Like I want to feel the pain! Ugh I'm such a fucking lunatic. But yeah. This is probably my longest post yet, and I'm still going. Geez. Bless you for continuing reading this far. Cause you know what, I don't know why I'm still going. It seems like forever my fingers have been slamming on these keys writing this disgusting blog. I mean come on, who reads this? I know I wouldn't. I'm starting to lose things to talk about so I'm gonna end here.

XOXO

Addo

My Birthday

Okay, so its offically my birthday, unlike Aimez, whose birthday is TOMORROW! I've changed so much in this past year its not even funny. I think I'm going to reflect on my past year.

Postive Things

1. My music style changed a lot. I'm no longer listening to that Pop crap as much as I used to.
2. I made new friends, and became closer with them.
3. Patched things up at my Dad's house. I no longer, hate anyone here.
4. I finished the Twlight Sega. (Sorry Eclispe is laying next to me, kinda popped into my head)
5. I pushed my self harder this year.
6. I'm more sure of myself. More confident, which isn't as big of a change from last 7year to this yeah but yeah its a change.
7. I know the difference now between fake and real.
8. I went to sleepaway camp for the first time and met amazing people there.
9. I get along with my sister. We don't argue like cats and dogs anymore.
10. And last but not least, I'm just different. I can't even describe it. Thats what I am. Just different.

Negative Things

1. Although I patched things up at my dad's, things at my mom's aren't in the best of shape.
2. I've become more aggressive, but I'm working on it.
3. I can sometimes be so naive that I never know whats coming at me.
4. I become such a fighter, that I don't know when to give out.
5. I'm a BIG pottymouth.
6. I've become attached to my phone, ipod, etc.
7. I'm more obxious and annoying.
8. I've broken over nine pairs of headphones.
9. I spent my summer last year with someone who didn't deserve my time.
10. And last but not least, I'm just different. Thats me, just different.

Different can be a good and/or a bad quality. And after writing this, I figured out thats its so much easier to point out negative qualities then it is to find positive. More so, I also realized that EVERYONE can be different, and obxious, and annoying, but thats just the world. You can't change it.

XOXO

Addo

Awesome Song Lyrics

1. "Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you? I've been here all along so why can't you see, you belong with me."-Taylor Swift, You Belong With Me
2. "You're in everyone I see. So tell me, do you see me?"-Michelle Branch, Everywhere
3. "Said your two cents now, it's my turn. So sit down, shut up, are you ready?"-Three Days Grace, Are you ready?
4. "You look at me through clouded eyes, I know you can see through my lies. See the skies? See the stars? All of this could be ours."-Escape the Fate, Something
5. "I've been trying to slow it down, I've been trying to take it in. In this here today, gone tomorrow world we're living in."-Kenny Chesney, Don't Blink
6. "No more holding it in. How many years I can pretend. Nothing ever goes the way it should."-Crossfade, So Far Away
7. "'Cause everything's so wrong, and I don't belong living in your precious memories."-Vanessa Carlton, A Thousand Miles
8. "Not seeing that loving you. That's what I was trying to do."-Rascal Flatts, What Hurts the Most
9. "Then in the field you'll be the show girl, I'll be the narrator. Telling another tale of the American dream."-All Time Low, Dear Maria Count Me In
10. "She's underage and so very, very brave. A fake I.D. lent her credibility, she sits at the bar. The gents are gonna try so hard."-Cute is What We Aim For, The Fourth Drink Instinct
11. ""What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmade to a waiter. "And yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor grooms bride is a whore."-Panic at the Disco, I Write Sins Not Tragedies
12. "You say you want respect, well then you better get some for yourself."-Senses Fail, Lady in A Blue Dress
13. "And if you take that last step, I'll follow you. Leave the edge and fly, we're finally alive."-We The Kings, Skyway Avenue
14. "There's a place off ocean avenue where I used to sit and talk with you. We were both sixteen and it felt so right, sleeping all day, staying up all night."-Yellowcard, Ocean Avenue
15. "But all the miles that separate, disappear when I'm deaming of your face."-3 Doors Down, Here Without You
16. "Deep in your soul, lies a lonely heart, that only ever comes for you alone."-Hey Monday, Arizona
17. "Trying to find out what makes you tick as I lie down, sore and sick."-Breaking Benjamin, Diary of Jane
18. "You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run."-Kenny Rodgers, The Gambler
19. "You're beautiful eyes stare into mine, and I sometimes think of you late at night."-Taylor Swift, Beautiful Eyes
20. "After my dreaming, I awoke with this fear, what am I leaving when I am done here?"-Linkin Park, Leave Out All the Rest
21. "Once more you tell those lies to me, why can't you be straight up with honesty?"-Bullet for My Valentine, All These Things I Hate
22. "We walked along a crowded street, you took my hand and danced with me, images."-A Fine Frenzy, Almost Lover
23. "Daddy's little girl, paints the world with her magic wand. Daddy's little child breathes a new life to the morning time for me."-Jesse Spencer, Molly Smiles
24. "So please give me a lesson on how to steal a heart, steal a heart as fast as you stole mine."-Hey Monday, 6 Months.
25. "Who would've thought that someone like me could've fallen in love so easily. I know that you know that I know what I want, I know that I can't have it but give it a thought."-NeverShoutNever!, 30 Days

You Know She's Right

Aimez, you are right. Nothing will ever be the same. But you know what, that's the beauty of it. The way Fazp and Vrai are going to Tech, and Aimez is going to Sea,we are all splitting up. But why are we so damn sad about it? Its going to bring millions of new doors to be opened and explored. From spending nights out at parties, (HAHA Aimez, imagine a nun crashing a wild party? LMAO) to spending nights alone nursing that broken heart. It is nothing to be scared of. At least I don't think so. For the first time since I found out I was going to Tot, I actually feel ready. I'm ready for whatever anyone is going to throw at me. I'm ready for whatever you want to give me to deal with. You know, from now on I'm not going to crack under the pressure. And I'm NOT going to feel disappointment. My life has and will always be a rock. That rock can't break. And I'm offically ready for it.

XOXO
Addo

WHY!

Why does everything have to change?
Why do you have to be this way?
Can't you see I'm hurting?
Can't you see I'm here?

I'm done trying to help. My stepdad told me today to "ask before you pick the baby up." WTF! For three months excluding the first 3 weeks of her life, I never asked. When they needed me to hold her I did, when I wanted to hold her I did. Now all of the fucking sudden I have to ask?!? Please. Don't humor me. I think I had enough excitement for the day. I just don't get it, and then my mom fucking goes, "Don't take everything so personally." How am I not supposed to take it personally? It's directed towards me! And only me! We have my aunts or grandmother over, "Here you wanna hold her?" But no, I have to fucking go, "Tom/Mom can I hold her?" Well they just screwed themselves because they NO LONGER have my help. You need my help cleaning sure, you want me to make a bottle or feed her, NO! If I can't hold her when I want to then I'm not going to hold her when you want me to! That makes no fucking sense and I'm not going to fucking sit around and be bullied by my own fucking parents. There is no reason what so ever that I can't hold her. Her head has never hit the ground, her body has never fallen from my arms, and now all of the sudden I have to ask? NO! I don't fucking work like that. I'm not a toy that you use when you want to and put back into the corner when you're done. Okay! I am not a toy! You can't use me!

Another thing, when I fucking tell you everything that I've bottled up for years, that not even my best friend knows, you don't hold me close and tell me everything is going to be okay and the next day fucking ignore what happened. Yes mom, I'm feeling alone! And yes mom! I do need a mom like figure in my life, but you are not who I thought you are. For months I told you that these things were going to happen, and for months you told me everything would be the same. But you know what, I was fucking right. And you know what, she doesn't even care. She has no clue that I'm feeling like this, because I am not going to open myself up again to a heartless bitch. I made that mistake, I felt that weight get lifted off my shoulders. Only to come back two times heavier, and two times harder to work through. I am not to be tossed aside like yesterday's news. You promised me I wouldn't. But once again I was right. And once again you weren't there.

There was absolutely no reason for you to read this entry. I am extreamly pissed off and I am taking my frustrations out on blogger.com how healthy! Not.

XOXO
Addo

This Will be My Last Post

Only for a little while. I'm going on vacation for my Spring Break with the family. So I'm not going to bore you with all the little details. And Fazp I want to see a picture of the magenta colored hair.

XOXO
Addo

30 Days

I'm giving myself 30 days to move past my past
30 days to get over myself
30 days to get a grip on reality and not have my head in the clouds
30 days to move on from any broken heart
30 DAYS TO GET RID OF MY PAST

sorry I'm in a depressing mood

XOXO
Addo

I Can't Even See Straight Anymore

I am past the state of over tired, and now am a happy bubbly person.